Fearless
by Purple Snowstorm
Summary: One-shot. Post-Allegiant. Tobias finds a way to return to Dauntless and revisit his fear landscape, only to find that his nickname has been rendered completely inaccurate. (Note: I threw this together in about an hour and I'm really bad at summaries. Sorry.) T for dark themes.


Even though Tris has been gone for nearly a year and I have accepted the truth, I am still in pain. I don't think the pain will ever be gone. It seems like the kind of pain that will find a way to stay around for a very, very long time, leaving me overwhelmed, hopeless, and lonely even in crowded places. I can no longer feel the joy I felt when Tris was with me, when we were in Dauntless, when everything was simple. Then again, our relationship was never simple. Maybe that's why I fell so in love with her, because things between us could never be normal.

I look around. I have found myself back in the Chicago experiment. It is empty. Looking around, the Dauntless compound seems tiny, a speck in comparison to the world I now know exists. Somehow, I am comforted by the complete isolation I feel right now. The concrete of Dauntless surrounds me in an almost comforting way. But I am here for a reason. I make my way to what used to be the control room.

The Bureau thought they had wiped all the data when they had followed our orders to destroy any vestiges of the now nonexistent experiment. In our minds, if they couldn't get a hold of the data, they would never discover the truth and Tris' death will not have been in vain. Of those who were in control of the Bureau after the memory serum took hold, I am the only one who knew the truth: that the Dauntless kept a backup of everything, stored safely away from the main data servers. Selfishly, I chose to not tell them about this little fact, instead deciding to one day use that knowledge to my advantage. That day had come.

I clasped my fingers around the syringe in the pocket of my black hoodie. The Dauntless also kept secret stores of our fear simulation serums. Comforted by the familiar feel of the cylindrical object, I made my way almost instinctively to the fear landscape room. I knew the computers would start up, so it did not surprise me when it only took a minute for them to start. Every computer in Dauntless could tap into the backup data with the right passcode and the knowledge of how to find the hidden files, designed specifically to be undetectable by even the most advanced software. Once I had the correct files opened, I injected myself with the serum, not taking the antiseptic measures I had forcibly grown accustomed to in the Bureau, and entered the room.

With a pang, I remembered bringing Tris through my fear landscape. It was her first experience with anyone's landscape and she was the only other person to ever see mine. I begin to panic as the scene transforms, bringing me to the top of an unstable metal building. The city appears as usual. I can see how others would think the view was breathtaking, but as the wind picks up so does my heart rate. I find myself unable to breathe. Calm down, Tobias... I tell myself, trying to gain control of my reactions. Finally, I close my eyes and jump.

I am beyond confused when I open my eyes and find myself in the landscape room, not confined in a box of concrete. It takes me a moment to register that I must no longer be afraid. The war and the loss of Tris must have broken me more than I thought.

I do not cry. I have not cried since she died. I have forced myself to be strong for her, for the Stiff who jumped first, for the young woman who was the light of my life, the hope on the horizon. Try as I might, it is difficult to force back the tears that threaten to spill over. But I refuse to let them, and for every moment I hold them back I break just a little bit more.

Without my consent, my body brings me to the chasm. I look down, but I am not afraid. I have never been afraid of the chasm. No, I need to be higher. I need to conquer my fear. For that, I need to go to the highest point in the city. And I do exactly that.

I am beyond afraid as I stand up on top of the rickety spire, which has barely enough surface area for me to sit comfortably. In this way, standing is a relief, but in all others it is not. The wind whips me around and I am afraid that I will fall. I wonder if those still at the Bureau can see me. I wonder if they know what I am doing. Honestly, I am not entirely sure of what I am doing, either. All I know is that I want more than anything to be fearless. I will finally accept that it is an obsession, and I am sure that I would be delighted to only have one fear remaining if it hadn't had such a high cost.

I am still afraid. I am surprised that I am able to think straight. I take a deep breath. Think, Tobias... Think... I would not be as fearless as I am now without the tragedy I have gone through to get here. I would still be afraid of losing Tris, of turning into Marus, if Tris was still around, if I had the possibility of becoming a father. As for confinement, I am not entirely sure what conquered that. Perhaps the realization that there are much worse things in the world than being confined, or that there is so much space in the world that confinement will never be an issue.

The solution to my fear comes to me. I knew the answer all along, but I had refused to admit it. I swallow hard as I look down, my heart still pounding in my chest. Be brave, Tobias... Maybe she will be waiting for you...

As I jump and let myself fall, I feel strangely calm. My life flashes before my eyes, but I am not me. I am a bystander. I am leaving nothing behind. I am finally fearless.

I hit the ground.

And there is nothing.


End file.
